Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his
father. He watched as his father moved from
horse to horse, running his hands up and down
the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why
are you doing that?" His father replied,
"Because when I'm buying horses, I have to
make sure that they are healthy and in good
shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said,
"Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Didn't You guys laughed at this joke..

It's true that angelina jolie is an actress

Some people ask the secret of 44's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

Mrs 44 goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays XD

Hahahahaa Napalm, I don't think the kids relate to this as much as say us older farts might...

@ 44 & Squidy
You guys crack me up ! :P

LOL Squidders...

I guess your wife's story about Trivial Pursuit at Jennifer's house ain't going to fly this Friday, eh? Please tell her that I'm taking her to Casa di Compani for a little italian this week.

What, you didn't think I was eating alone, did you?

:)

Last edited: Monday, October 17, 2005 at 4:48:08 AM

^ LOL - fo fo this has got to stop. I am wasting too much time coming up with jokes about my / your missus.

However - watch this space - I'll be back.

Heres a joke...

A pirate walks in too bar.
and the bartender asks him...
"Sir did you know you have an anchore down your pants"?
And he says...
"I KNOW ITS DRIVING ME NUTS!"

Lol :P

This wannabe biker chick walks into the biggest and baddest biker bar in town where the most feared gang around hangs out.

She walks right up to the head biker and says, "Hey! Dummy! I'm joining your gang and I'm not asking I'm telling!"

The head biker looks at her and laughs.

She replies, "Look! I'm not asking I'm telling! If you want you can ask me a few questions to test my metal."

The head biker say okay and commences with the questioning.

He asks, "Do you even have a bike?"

She replies, "Yep, got a brand new hog parked outside."

Hmm he thought, "Do you have any tats?"

She answers, "Sure do," then pulls up her shirt sleeves revealing the tats.

He then asks, "Can you fight."

She replies angrily, "I'll kick your butt chump!"

He says okay okay I've got one more question for yah, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

She answers, "No, but I've been swung around by my boobs a couple of times!"

(a pun) XD

A panda walks into a deli and and gets a sandwich
after he was done eating the waiter comes and gives him his check..
the panda refuses to pay and shoots the waiter
the manager was furious! He stormed up to the panda and asked:
why did u shoot my waiter?
and the panda says: just check the dictionary,
the panda walked out of the deli..
the manager still furious, checks his dictioary for "panda"
the dictioary's description was,
panda: eats shoots and leaves

I hope you were able to catch that...if not read it again.. %) ;)

^^ LOL!!!!!
^LOL!!!!!
omg lol

^^^ LOL ROUGE - Pissed me pants. XD

I got one niko told me this one

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

Give up?

Heres the answer "if we were any lower we'd be nuts!"

Joke by niko said by warlock

There was this Elementary School that had a group of Girls thata would aply make-up on in the Bathroom...They Would Then Cover the mirrors with Lip Prints, Everyday the janitor had to Scrub off the mirrors.
One Day he got Tired of it and went to the Principals Office...he told him all that went on and what keeps happening...Then he told him of an idea that he Had to make them Stop doing that...

So the Next Day they Bring all the Girls into the Bathroom after they had all Kissed the Mirrors, and the pricipal said "I want you girls to see how hard this janitor has to Scrub to clean this off"
The Janitor Took out a Toilet Brush, Swished it in the Toilet and began Scrubbing the Mirrors...
The Mirrors were NEVER covered with Lip prints again

^ I herd that before, very funnylol

^^ lol, I should hope not! ^{or maybe so, seeing as how ice dawg was 1 of them} lol

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I'm a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the blind carpernter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?" The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is." The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says "Ready!"

The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long." The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest." Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify."

The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says "Ready!" The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long." The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. (She agrees to do this - implausable but go with me because it helps the joke.) She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table. The foreman says "Ready!"

The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side.He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says "Ready!". The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's an old shit house door off a tuna boat."

He got the job.

Q: How many PTT members does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 272:

1 to change the light bulb

1 to post that the light bulb infact has been changed

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

13 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

23 to flame the spell checkers

18 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

... Another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb"is perfectly correct

16 to email the moderators complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to PTT

19 to post that the general forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the original post saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

27 to post links where one can see examples of different light bulbs

14 to post that the links were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected links

3 to post about links they found from the sites that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to PTT

12 to post that they are leaving because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

23 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

1 new forum member to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again

Last edited: Thursday, October 27, 2005 at 9:26:43 AM

1 to add up all the PTTers to ensure that is does in fact equal 272. XD

...and 1 to post a goofy light bulb animation.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

^^^^ does equal 272
BTW: u forgot to put up that 1 person will count to make sure the number is 272

Here's one for Tally. :)

Descartes was having a drink in a bar, and the barkeep asked, "Would you like another, sir?"
Descartes looked at his drink for a moment, replied "I think not."
...And promptly vanished.

@ROGUE LMFAO!!

Top 5 smart ass remarks for 2005.

#5 A flight attendant at the departure counter was getting ready to collect tickets when a man in a trenchcoat walks up and flashes her. Without missing a beat she replies, "sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

#4 A lady at the grocery store looking at turkeys for holiday dinner askes out loud,"do these turkeys get any bigger?" A stock boy replies, " no ma'am they're already dead.

#3 A cop gets out of his car to issue a ticket to a kid who was speeding. The kids rolls down the window and the cop says, "Ive been waiting for you all day!" The kid replies, "oh yeah, well I got here as fast as I could! " After the cop stops laughing he lets the kid go... True story!

#2 A truck driver going along the freeway comes up to a low bridge ahead sign.

Before he knows it he comes right up to the bridge and gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally a cop arrives and says to the driver, "so , got stuck under a bridge, huh?" The truck driver replies, "no actually I was delivering this bridge and I just ran out of gas."

#1 A college professor reminds her class of the final exam tomorrow. "Now class , no excuses for missing the finals. I will except death in the immediate family or a nuclear war, lbut nothing else!"

A hand goes up in the back of the class, a guy asks, "what would you say tomorrow if I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

After several minutes the laughing and the snickering dies down. The professor calmly replies, "well, l guess you'll have to write with your other hand." :P XD
%)

@Nappy!! Love the lumberyard joke!!! XD

IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN THE AIRLINES

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

Ok there are 3 irish men and they come upon a magic slide that grants wishes.

The first one says, "a pot of gold" and when he gets to the bottom he gets a pot of gold

The second one says, "a pot of silver" and when he gets to the bottom he gets the pot of silver

The third one says, "weeeeeeee!" and when when he gets to the bottom he gets a pot of "weeeee!" ;)

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

ROTFLMAO^

I got a joke

Ok 3 guys are drinking on a balcony one man says I bet I can swing off that pole and flip into that bar and get another beer so the 2nd man bets 300$ and then the 1st man succesfully does it and comes out with another beer

So the second man bets that he cant do it again and he putss another 300$ down and the 1st man does it again and comes out with another beer

This time he came back and the 2nd man said ok I bet my last 300$ I can do it he jumps falls breaks his neck and dies and the 3rd man looks at the first man and says superman your a bastard when your drunk.

:) XD :)

@ Sersh that was very good

Lol

Mobble B)

@KBC, sad but true...
@Nap, LMAO! Definitely worth the bump.
Speaking of jokes...
Mack Daddy Mario 3
Mack Daddy Luigi

Last edited: Friday, February 24, 2006 at 8:34:08 AM

When Osama bin Laden died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates.
He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?

Why Italians Can't be Paramedics!

Luigi and Salvatore are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Salvatore
grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing;
his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Luigi whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Salvatore is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let 's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... And then a shot is heard.

Luigi's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

x-ray monkey specs

Does he ever? :[

Heres a good one.......

There is a 3 story building. The old man on the 3 floor liked to chop things down and give it to the guy on the old man on the 2 floor. The old man on the 2 floor liked to paint things green and give it to the OLD LADY on the 1 floor. The old lady always left her door opened and liked to sleep she liked to eat pickles (which are green).
One day the old man on the 3 floor chopped off his wiener (balls) and past it on to the old man on the 2 floor. That old man painted the old mans' weiner (balls) green. The old man on the 2 floor pasted it on to the OLD LADY on the 1 floor.
She was sleeping and had a emtey jar of pickles opened and her door was opened (because she always leaves her door open) So the old man on the 2 floor put it in the jar. And when the OLD LADY woke up she ate the guys' wenier (balls) on the 3 floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And after 1 second she has dided.

Last edited: Saturday, April 01, 2006 at 10:59:24 AM

http://www.funnyjunk.com
EXPOLER the site!

Last edited: Saturday, April 01, 2006 at 11:46:31 AM

Last time I checked, a hot dog and nuts were different things. Of course, I could be wrong...
And funnjunk.com doesn't exist. funjunk.com , on the other hand, might.
EDIT: Or does it? Hmm...

Last edited: Saturday, April 01, 2006 at 11:15:40 AM

O I spelled it wrong I'll change it!

Funnyjunk

Ah, that would explain it.

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.